Dance This Mess Around

Some helpful advice for the North Koreans, the Chinese, the Russians or anyone else looking to destroy the United States.

Forget about obliterating our infrastructure, such as roads, bridges and tunnels. Don’t bother bombing NORAD or any of our ballistic missile sites.

All you need to do is take out Facebook.

Apparently, based on my anecdotal observations during this last Nor’easter storm, taking out Facebook would essentially cripple two-thirds of our population, most notably folks under 30.

Maybe I should be more tolerant. After all, many young adults have no fucking clue about a world where you don’t share what you had for breakfast or what movie you’re watching with 300 million of your closest friends.

As I predicted, throughout this last storm I witnessed dozens of people posing completely banal questions on local community pages:

My power is out. When will it be back on?

Is Burger King open?

Is there a parking ban?

Are they collecting the trash today?

How do I make toast when the power is out?

My question for you morons is this: You know how to use Facebook, why not give Google a try?

Understandably, many of these clueless, helpless and rather fragile folks post their questions anonymously on community and group pages. They must have an innate sense that they are too stupid to survive without a safe place, an emotional support animal and on-demand episodes of The Bachelorette; and they don’t want to embarrass themselves.

Going on Facebook to ask a question that you could easily answer for yourself is akin to running naked into the street and screaming, “Where is my underwear?”

I dunno. Did you check the dryer? Maybe your sock drawer?

How on Earth could this storm catch you in such a vulnerable place that you cannot function on your own without somebody else holding your hand?

Losing power is a shitty situation. It sucks. Then again, you have known for at least six days that this was coming. Why were you not prepared?

If you lose power, maybe – – and I’m just spit-ballin’ here – you should check with the power company instead of asking Aunt Gladys when you will get your Netflix working again.

If you’re posting on Facebook, then you have access to the internet, which means you can visit the Central Maine Power website and download their app onto your phone.

No one has a better handle on accurate information than CMP. For those of you too stupid to find this info, just click this link.

If you want information about parking bans, check your municipality’s web site.

For example, here in Biddeford, you can find about updates about all city services and resources by simply clicking this link.

You can also sign up for e-mail notifications about parking bans. You could even call the 24/7 parking ban hotline. You can find that number by using Google.

Bottom line, it is in your best interest to become a bit more self-reliant.

I enjoy using Facebook. It has become a valuable tool for staying in touch with friends and family. But it should never be a survival tool. Why?

Consider this: Access to social media sites is basically unlimited, which means there are some very bad people out there and also a lot of morons who don’t know whether to wind their ass or scratch their watch during a storm.

There are also a lot of people who have no clue about what “winding a watch” means. Thus, you really should not rely on Facebook for your news and information.

Learn how to take care of yourself instead of freaking out in public and expecting the rest of us to answer questions you could easily answer yourself. Now I’m going to sign off and post a picture of my lunch on Facebook.

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