I’m done sharing my wife

Keep your paws off!

Is that clear enough?

Well . . . apparently, I was a bit unclear last week, when I wrote about rumors regarding who Mayor Alan Casavant might appoint to a vacant city council seat.

Although I put to bed the notion that Casavant would nominate me ( or that I would accept such an appointment), some people have speculated that my wife, Laura, would be appointed.

I seriously doubt that Casavant ever considered Laura as an appointment, but just in case: I’ve got news for you, the bearded mayor and for anyone else looking to get freaky with my woman: My wife swapping days are over!

In her most recent column, titled Processes, procedures and proposed politicians, Molly Lovell Keely, editor of the Biddeford-Saco-OOB Courier, dazzles us with her penchant for alliteration.

Keely also speculates that Laura Seaver, my Laura Seaver!, may be on some kind of short list of possible nominees for the council seat.

For more than four years, Laura served on the Biddeford School Committee.

During those four years, our family suffered immense pain.

The second and fourth Tuesdays of every month became a living hell for me and the boys. There was no one here to cook our dinner, to rub our feet, to read us our bed time stories.

That’s it! Enough is enough! I’m done!

I’ve put in almost 10 years of training Laura, instructing her about how to be a good wife, and I’m not going to share my hard work and resources with Casavant or any other elected official in Biddeford.

For the record, Laura is making progress with her good wife skills, and now sorts whites and colors for the laundry. She picks up my dry-cleaning when instructed. Her cooking skills are slowly improving, but her back-rub skills need work and lots more practice.

Hint: If you want a good wife, find a woman before she learns to read. It’s much easier to train them. Otherwise, they start getting all sorts of ideas about being independent and having their own opinions.

So that’s it. I hope this is clear enough. And I will speak to Brian Keely, reminding him that his wife-training regimen needs work.

Editor’s Note: Before all you women out there get your panties in a bunch, this is satire. It’s a short word and should be easy enough for you to comprehend. If you still have doubts, check the video below. Laura is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do not deserve her.