Can we talk?

People: WTF!

It seems like rumors and speculation surrounding the sudden resignation of City Councilor David Flood is spreading faster than the odds on whether Ron Paul is actually still alive or in a cryogenic state to be unfrozen after Election Day.

Let’s put to rest a few of the more popular rumors:

1.) This is NOT the final phase of a secret master plan that was coordinated by me, Flood and Mayor Alan Casavant. There was nothing wrong with the three of us pooling our financial resources last month to purchase $500,000-worth of gift cards.

Our purchase of those gift cards is nothing to worry about. Pay no attention. There is nothing to see here.

2.) I shall not seek nor will I accept a nomination by Mayor Alan Casavant to replace Flood on the city council.

I spoke with the mayor a short while ago and we are on the same page: such a move would look awful and smack of cronyism. I called the mayor to offer him some suggestions about potential nominees and to ensure that our gift cards were not being used improperly.

Besides, I doubt the mayor would ever consider nominating me because I am actually taller, better looking and far more skilled at banging a gavel.

Furthermore, I would be an awful city councilor. I have neither the temperament or the desire to spend a bulk of my free time arguing about solid waste, graffiti or the merits of mounting a full-scale invasion of Dayton.

3.) I am NOT returning to my life as an under-paid, overworked weekly newspaper editor. I have not received a call from David Flood, nor have I received a call from the folks who own the Journal Tribune and the Courier.

4.) I did not start this blog as a precursor to Flood’s move to Current Publishing. Truth be known, Flood hates this blog almost as much as he hates me. I have it on good authority that he recently hired some professional thugs from Saco to take me out.

I am not concerned about Flood’s plan to have me assasinated while I sleep. I have well-armed body guards who accompany me 24-7 and a ferocious golden retriever, not to mention my stunning, Ninja-like reflexes.

If there is going to be a newspaper war in Biddeford (Likely), then you will find me on the sidelines, taking notes and pictures for this blog.

5.) If Donald Sussman ever offers me $5 million for an ownership stake in All Along the Watchtower, here are three things I would NOT do with the money:

• Buy a home within 1,500-feet of my present location
• Buy a downtown building that needs serious and expensive renovations
• Run for the Biddeford City Council.

I hope this clears the air. We return you now to your regular programming.