Color Me Bad . . . with crayons

[Satire Alert]

If you thought watching the New England Patriots lose the Superbowl was painful, you should stay away from the Biddeford City Council’s next meeting on Tuesday, Feb. 7.

For the past few weeks, the council has been working around the clock to nail down some serious matters that could have grave consequences for those of us who live, work and play in Biddeford.

It’s been a hectic few weeks, so let’s take a quick recap and review some of the bigger accomplishments of this industrious group.

By a 6-3 vote, the council finally settled on a seating arrangement in the council chamber. Councilors Melissa Bednarowski, Brad Cote and Mike Swanton voted against the measure, mistakenly thinking they would have to swap seats each week  so that one of them would always have to sit next to Councilor Richard Rhames.

Things settled down and the council then moved quickly to unanimously approve the color beige as the “official color” of the 2012-13 City Council, but not without some heated and long-winded discussion.

“I like beige,” remarked Councilor David Flood. “I can get along with beige. For whatever.”

Councilor Roch Angers, however, seemed less than pleased.

“I really wanted red,” Angers explained. “Not some half-assed, pansy shade of pink, mind you. I wanted crimson red. It’s an angry color, and I’m feelin’ some anger.”

Councilor Bobby Mills seemed hesitant about casting his vote. Only hours before the meeting, Mills told supporters of the color Yellow that he was definitely on their side, somehow forgetting that he had also told representatives from the Blue caucus he thought their color made the most sense because of its soothing nature.

Mills tried to split it down the middle so as not to offend anyone by nominating the color Green as an amendment, but Council President Rick Laverierre ruled Mills out of order to prevent Angers from having an aneurysm.

Of course, Councilor Rhames held up the vote with a 98-minute monologue about why the Council should remain “color neutral” and lambasted the influence of color in the black and white world of city politics.

Of course, Councilor Rhames held up the vote with a 98-minute monologue about why the Council should remain “color neutral” and lambasted the influence of color in the black and white world of city politics.

“These sorts of things have a way of leading us all down a very slippery slope,” Rhames cautioned his fellow councilors. “If we take sides with corporate America now, where will we stop? Next thing you know, we’ll be endorsing a particular brand of shaving cream, a product I have not purchased since 1988.”

Mills, who just last week narrowly avoided being in violation of a longstanding Mills family tradition of running for elected office at least every 60 days, moved quickly to end the discussion. “Let’s just do beige,” he said.

Councilor Brad Cote shrugged. Councilor Mike Swanton rolled his eyes, silently praying that someone would shoot him; and Councilor Bednarowski called for a roll-call vote.

You can expect more of the same on Tuesday, when Biddeford’s team of nine takes up the contentious issue of whether to adopt a “code of ethics” for the Planning Board.

Other items to watch: The council will vote on Mayor Alan Casavant’s most recent political nominations, which include a suggestion that two of the city’s most well-known and respected downtown property developers be allowed to join the Downtown Development Commission.

Doug Sanford, who owns the North Dam Mill Complex, the former West Point Mill building complex, the St. Jean Baptiste Hall, the Puritan Building and just about every other building in downtown Biddeford, apparently thinks he has something to offer to the DDC, one of Biddeford’s most notorious “good ol’ boy clubs.”

Casavant’s other nominee for the DDC is Chris Betjemann, who got smoked in November when he attempted to run for an at-large seat on the City Council. Betjemann and his business partner own just about every other building in downtown Biddeford that is not already owned by Doug Sanford.

When asked whether Sanford and Betjemann would be good fits for the commission, DDC Chairman Brian Keely chose his words carefully.

“I don’t know,” Keely said. “It really depends if they know how to plant flowers and smoke cigars. We have a certain way of doing things downtown. I think it’s great that they want to join us, but I hope they’re not expecting to waltz in here and start demanding that we do stuff, you know?”

Randy Seaver was secretly pulling for the New York Giants. Send him your death threats, hate mail or credit-card numbers by e-mail to randy@randyseaver.com